ohh hi. just pouring my heart out over here.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

^^^^^^^^ All the Hansen siblings with our fake smiles!^^^^^^^^^^

I've been wanting to write my thoughts on our pregnancy journey (that sounds so corny) for a while now. I'm just such a horrible writer so it's hard for me to express it just how I'd like. If only I could take a picture that would somehow tell our whole little story.  (I apologize in advance for the grammatical errors,  especially to Chelsi Robin, Jodie, and Sagan. I know how bad you hate that! hahah)  But as I sit here at 3:20am not being able to sleep. (Bernie woke me up at 2am breathing in my face like a big creeper)  I thought hey, I guess I can write that blog post I've been meaning to do for a while. I want to preface this post by saying that everything I write here is what I feel has been right for us.  I'm not saying my way is the only right way and every other way is wrong.  I have friends in my life that have no interest in having kids and want 5 dogs, friends that would do anything to be able to get pregnant.  I have friends and family that have adopted and some that have no interest in adopting. I have friends that have one child and aren't interested in having another. I have family and friends that have started their families with the help of modern medicine and a wonderful friend that has 12 kids and rocks it! I strongly believe in doing whatever feels right for YOU. And I'm aware that some pregnancies are so rough and terrifying and I've been lucky that I've had a healthy one so far so it's a lot easier for me to be so positive about the experience.  I just wanted to let that be known before our pour out my thoughts. And one more thing... Thanks so much to all you sweethearts for being so happy for us. I tear up when I read all of your nice comments. 

I've always known I've wanted to be a mom. Always. Growing up with 6 siblings and dozens of foster kids in and out of our home, watching my mom love and nurture each one of us was so inspiring. She's always just poured her heart into people. She's my hero and she taught me to love others and try to find out their story and to look for the good in them. Her and my dad taught me to love life even when it was sucky and they constantly reminded all of us how lucky we all were to have each other.  My mama gave birth to 4 of her children and 3 of her children are adopted. So it's pretty obvious that adoption has blessed my life so much. Every time I think about my 3 youngest siblings I just have an overwhelming feeling of gratitude and it's hard for me to not get emotional. Oh I can't even bare to think of what life would be without them. I always cringe when people ask, "So which ones are your real brothers and sisters?" From the moment I saw them I knew they were 100% meant to be my family. Adoption is one of my greatest blessings and I'm so passionate about it. 

So shortly after we got married I said to Ryan, "Ok lets start this adoption process!" Haha. If only it was that easy right? For reasons I probably won't understand until further in life the timing just wasn't right for us. After being married for a couple years we felt that it was time for us to start trying to get pregnant and try to start out family that way.  I told myself when we started trying that I wasn't going to let this control my life. I didn't want to become bitter and wish my life away. I wanted to enjoy and appreciate my life pregnant or not.  I had so much to be grateful for so every month that I wasn't pregnant I let myself be sad for a little bit and then I made myself move on. I'm not saying it was super easy and I was just always super stoked about life all the time. I think the hardest thing for me during the process was when I would hear women complain about pregnancy and constantly listing the negative things about it.  That always hurt my heart and still does. I also hated when people asked me why I didn't have kids or when I was going to and then when they found out that we were trying they would offer me all this advice on how to get pregnant. Like we didn't know how to have sex right or something? haha! So we kept trying with no luck and because I knew I never wanted to take fertility medication or do in-vitro or anything like that (I would rather put our money towards adoption) I just kind of accepted that I most likely was not going to experience pregnancy. A few more months went by and my mom kept bugging me to go to the doctor any way just to make sure I was healthy. So I finally went and everything was normal thanks goodness. I found out 3 days later I was pregnant! I took 5 pregnancy test and even texted my friend Ashley a picture asking if they really were positive. Haha. She knew I was pregnant before Ryan did. (love you Ash) 

Every single day of this pregnancy feels like a gift.  I've had some of my very close friends lose babies through miscarriages and preterm labor. I have family and close friends in my life that have been trying for years to get pregnant, and I know of a couple women who are still in that adoption process trying their hardest to get their sweet child. So for me I've always made a goal that if I was able to get pregnant that I would cherish every single moment and try my damnedest to always be positive.  And even when things got hard, I told myself I would only vent to Ryan and my mama. Because during my process the words of negativity just got to me so bad and I always have those women in my mind who are still waiting for their chance. I know my posts about pregnancy might seem over the top cheesy and maybe a little tooooo rainbows and cupcakes. But with all the heartache and pain in life, this little baby in my belly and my pregnancy is one of the things that is a constant comfort and reminder of how sweet life is. I'm not sure why I'm getting this opportunity and some people don't. I don't deserve it more and it's not because I'm more blessed or said more prayers or anything like that.  I'm not sure why. I felt guilty about it at first and still do, but I try to quickly switch over to being grateful.

Sometimes I get scared to raise my kids in this crazy world. But then I think of my parents. I've learned so much from them. k duh... But what has been standing out to me recently is to love your kids like crazy. Unconditionally. Teach them how to live the best way you know how. And when parenting sucks and you feel you have failed..... Like sucks so bad you want to sell all your kids and move to Figi, you just keep on going. Try your best every day. And don't listen or argue with the idiots that criticize you and judge what you are doing. Those people are weenies. 

I have more thoughts and feelings about this subject but I think this is good for now. I'm starting to get tired and if you are still reading this I'm sure you are too. ;) 

Life is beautiful. The end.



  1. I love you and think that your future children are so lucky to have you as a mom! You have the kindest heart of anyone I've ever met! I'm so happy for you <3

  2. Love! I think you're a great writer! The best writers are able to make it sound like themselves. So happy for you! :)

  3. Beautiful......Just beautiful!!!!!!

  4. I love this! Thank you for writing it!

  5. Sami this was perfect! I love how you have approached pregnancy and life in general! I hope to be as faithful and grateful as you are when we are going through that process! That baby in your belly is a lucky one! It will be raised with so much love and happiness and that is what the world needs more of. So grateful for people like you who give me hope for a better world for my future family!

  6. "Those people are weenies" :'D and that's why I feeking

  7. I love how beautiful your soul is Sami! Thank you so much for sharing this. My sister has had infertility issues and went on to adopt three beautiful boys! I love adoption and the joy it brings to everyone. You are going to be such an amazing mother.

  8. Thank you for this post, Sami, we pretty much went through the same and today i really needed to be reminded that even though it might hurt and feel very uncomfortable, I am so blessed to carry that little human being inside of me!!! <3