15 weeks with baby #2

Sunday, August 28, 2016

hey you guys! i hope you all had the best weekend. we hiked to white pine on saturday. our favorite hike! i realized how out of shape i really am. but we did it! we also took bernie swimming at this fishing hole and i was the weirdo in the swimsuit getting in with him. hahah. but look at that little bump!!! river has never been as cute as he is now. he's never had more attitude either. hahah. I LOVE HIM! ryan and i both said numerous times this weekend.. "dang, he's cute." here's a little baby update. i skipped last week because there weren't any changes from week 13 to 14! but a couple this week so here we go! 

how big is baby: lemon sized! 

weight gain: up 1 pound. 

sleep: pretty great actually! i mean of course i would love to sleep in past the 6:30am wake up call river gives us, but i can't complain. 

missing: being able to work out SUPER HARD! i always say this don't i? hahah.  i can still work out pretty well! i just get super winded, and i haven't been able to run as much this pregnancy because it's uncomfortable running with the stroller! but i have been lifting a lot more and doing sprints at the gym. 

craving: everything. give me all the food. i'm always hungry. always eating. just please no sugar because it makes me sick k?

feeling: pretty great pregnancy wise. and we just won't get into other areas. hahah. 

gender: i think boy most of the time. but we heard baby's heartbeat a few days ago and i thought, "there she is!" just like at the ultra sound too! so who knows! 

best moment of the week:  river being river. and hearing that heartbeat! OH and I FELT THE BABY! If i lay on my stomach in a certain position I can feel it move a tiny bit! 

looking forward to: sagan's wedding in a few days! YAY!!!!!! 


13 weeks with baby number 2!

Sunday, August 14, 2016

It's only been a week since my last post!? K what? That feels like 4 years ago. Because FAIR WEEK! We were partying all week, but also had some crappy things going on too. Because LIFE. So it felt a little long  in the BEST and worst way. I'm tired. But yay for good things to get us through right?! Like laughing with people we love, and hugs.. oh and fair food. HASHTAG FUNNEL CAKES WITH CARMEL. Do you like my bumpdate outfit? hehe. We tie-dyed shirts on Saturday and they turned out so cute! And I probably look tired and a tiny bit out of it, and that's a pretty accurate representation of this moment. I bought some hair extensions. The mermaid length. So I'm feeling pretty fly. I really love my family. And I still am amazed every day with how kind and wonderful Ryan is. He is my hero. And River. Oh that Riv boy. He is hilarious right now. Jabbering and wrestling with a rock, stick, or ball in his hand. He was just as happy as he could be with his cousins all week. Little sweetie! Now for this pregnancy update! 

how big is baby: as big as a peach!! 

weight gain: nothing yet. which is surprising because i ate horrible all week. which is silly of me because it makes me so sick when i eat badly! sugar kills me. 

sleep:  just up once a night to go pee. i just wish i could turn my mind off and go right back to sleep quicker. that's the real struggle. 

missing: working out super hard! and i was so sad i couldn't do spartan with my older siblings yesterday! but of course i'd rather be pregnant. but man.. that FOMO struggle was in full force yesterday. i'm so proud of them for finishing! 

craving: SMOOTHIES! all day every day please! "pom pom soup" (tomato juice and macaroni) and salt and vinegar chips

feeling: when it comes to pregnancy..i'm feeling great. i have super tired and nauseous moments, but it's super manageable. 

gender: i've been saying she for a while, but today i called it a little dude a few times! i just want to know please! 

best moment of the week: seeing river play with his cousins.   

looking forward to: my appt next week! i love hearing that heartbeat. 


12 weeks with baby #2!

Sunday, August 7, 2016

THANK YOU SO MUCH! To all of you for your support and love after our announcement yesterday. I get to do this again?! I feel so grateful. I can't believe it! Being pregnant with River was the most beautiful time in my life. I'm so grateful for that time.. because after he was born were the darkest days of my life.  Life is different now than it was then. So very different. So much harder. And painful. But I'm starting to feel that magic again. The beauty and privilege of growing a life and having a piece of heaven with you always. And I see that magic in River's eyes too. I am grateful. So grateful to be able to be a mom. I was able to see Tony every week of my pregnancy with River. I expanded before his eyes and he was able to meet River brand new straight from heaven and I am so grateful for that time we had together and those memories that will keep me going. On the other hand, I'm feeling some anxiety and heartache because I'm reminded of how beautiful everything was, but how incredibly dark everything was after Tony died and Riv was just days old. I'm ok with feeling both. I need to feel both. The anxiety and depression has had a hold on me the past 8-9 weeks and I'm happy to have dug myself out of it once again and I am just so grateful for the light and love I'm feeling right now. Life is such a fight for happiness. And it's so worth it. Sometimes it doesn't seem fair... because it's not fair. While we all have so many demons to fight.. I'm so grateful for good. Every good thing matters. I am 100% all about celebrating every tiny victory in life. I am so grateful for this beautiful spirit that I have the honor of raising. I know the baby is with Tony now and I love that. Now here it goes! My first pregnancy update for this little one! Yay!!!!!!!! 

how big is baby: as big as a large plum!

weight gain: down a couple pounds! (I was really sick those first few weeks)

sleep: oh my gosh! up until a few days ago... sleep has been so bad! so so so terrible! because of our cute little monster! haha. but he's slept through the night 3 nights in a row now! oh my goodness! so great! i feel like a new woman! i just get up once or twice to pee is all. 

missing: working out super hard! 

craving: drinks! orange juice! and texas roadhouse... those rolls. 

feeling: really good right now. like i said above. it's been a rough summer! i was super sick at first and we struggled with lots of crap....but august is looking up! woo! #fairweek

gender: i was 100% certain river was a boy. knew it from the start. with this one, i have no hunch! when we got our first ultrasound and i looked up i thought, "LOOK AT HER!" but still not certain! i will be happy either way. it would be so fun for riv to have a brother! but a little sissy would be so great! 

best moment of the week: river sleeping in yesterday and today hahah  

looking forward to: sept 28th! i seriously can't wait to see what this baby is! ahhh! and fair week starts tomorrow so that's like the best thing ever!


18 months... a month and a half late!

Monday, August 1, 2016

We love him. We love him. We love him! But..... he is TERRIFYING right now. hahahaha. Exhibit A...up for the day at 3:30am this morning.. Tried for an hour to get him back to sleep... Wasn't having it. Same thing the night before. But it was 4. He's a sassy little dude... that won't sleep. Hasn't had a decent and consistent night's sleep since May. And we are so scared. Hahah. We have tried everything. But some kids... just don't sleep well. But we have high hopes he will get on back track soon... because I'm not sure Ryan and I can handle much more of it. hahaha. (laughing to keep from crying)

Our boy is so smart! (Every parent thinks their child is a genius right? That's just how it should be) So smart that he wants to do everything.. and he understands a lot of what I'm saying.. but he just can't communicate his (very specific and peculiar) needs. So I feel for him. How frustrating would that be!

His favorite word right now is Bernie. We were at Nana and Papa's last week and he was yelling and scolding Bernie for getting too close to the chickens. Bernie is a little scared of River too. Who knew such a tiny person could have this much power? ;)

He still LOVES to explore. Doesn't love the pool like I do.. Prefers Bear Lake, or the river up the canyon. Where he can really focus and throw rocks in the water. And explore without interruption. :)

In the bath he never splashes. He just lines up all of his toys and places them exactly how he wants and then says "all done!" All ready for me to get him out and clothed.

I shut the bathroom drawer the other day with my curling iron cord hanging out of the bottom and he opened the drawer, stuffed the cord in the basket and made sure everything was in it's place.. and then shut the drawer. WHO ARE YOU? Oh wait.. you are RYAN.

He LOVES animals. We walk to the ducks every morning and he sits and studies them for a good 20 minutes. Always cries when it is time to leave them. And waves goodbye through his tears. All the cats in our neighborhood always approach him and he is so gentle with them. My parent's dog Mushu tolerates River.. which is crazy because she is really scared of all kids. But she trusts Riv. He has always been so gentle and respectful to her. Makes me proud.

He loves other kids. He loves flirting with dark haired women. (not kidding) He loves bacon and Nana's pancakes. And I think Kase is his favorite person right now.

Cries when I leave the room and reaches for me when he's sad. Total and complete Mama's boy. More of a possessive love. hahah. He gets super jealous when I hold any other child! Which is adorable in it's own way.

We've spent a lot of the summer being sick. Passing it back and forth. Hoping August is our healthy and happy month!

I am still trying to figure out how to function in this world with such a tender heart. It hurts. I hurt so much lately. I've been so hurt by people I love these past couple months... And they'll never really understand or care? Accepting that is a process.  I'm so hurt by the world. Hurt that other people are hurting. I'm trying to figure out how to stay soft... but still keep my sanity.

I have never doubted my motherhood skills more than I have these past couple months. I'm not the mother I thought I would be. But I'm learning and trying to accept that I'll never be Vandi Hansen. I'm me, Sami Jo Hansen (yaaaaaaa still haven't changed my last name) full of flaws....so many flaws. But full of love too. :) Lots of it.


Please sleep good tonight k?