to river

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

 -you are three months old! and it actually hasn't gone by fast. kind of slow actually. haha!

-you are soooo fun right now. you smile so much and you giggle when i kiss your neck. you are so fun that i'm actually starting to think i can maybe handle having more than one child! haha 

-you watch mickey mouse clubhouse on my lap while i edit. i are kind of young for screen time, but when you are a working mom you do what you gotta do. haha!

-you like to be held facing out so you can check everything out. 

-you stopped sleeping in your carseat. now you would rather the cover up so you can look at the world!  

-you love looking at the mirror and talking and smiling at your reflection. 

-you hate napping, but you sleep through the night so i can't complain. 

-my favorite thing ever is coming to get you from your crib in the morning and you are so happy! you talk to me and smile so big and kick your legs. it's so cute! you are so excited and happy in the morning. 

-most people comment on how skinny & long you are. so you most definitely got your body from your dada. ;)  lucky for you even though i think you would have made an adorable short and curvy boy. hahaha

-we have had some really hard days these past couple weeks. same old story i know... we are still just trying to figure out how to find our "new normal" as nana would say with tony gone. and i'm just still so traumatized with how he was taken and i've been having lots of nightmares at night. it's pretty crappy!

-i am so grateful for the people that make it possible for me to get out of bed everyday. (you are one of them!) i feel the push from some people like, "gosh, aren't you over this yet?" I've even had a couple people say "you just don't seem like yourself!" which makes me laugh actually.  i'm so grateful for the people in my life who have been so patient with me. because i know i have not been easy to be around. i don't know when i'll get it figured out, but we will get there. there are so many people who have been through far worse. i can do this!! 

-tony is so loved. there are so many people who are still crying with us. 

-our aunt leann on dads side wrote us the sweetest card about tony saying how sorry she was and how wonderful of a person he seemed to be. she never met him but she is crying with us! she is one of the many. it means so much to me.

-your grandma debbie's surprise birthday party was sunday and it was so fun to see her so happy surrounded by all the people she loves. she deserves everything good. you are lucky to have her.

-your cousin aspen sure loves you. she kept asking to hold you all weekend and got a little teary when we wouldn't let her hold you for the shurtleff family picture. haha! she's so sweet.

-your aunt mary and aunt ashley nackos finally got to meet you on saturday! it felt SO GOOD to be around them. they gave me a bracelet with tony's name on it and it felt so good to hug them and cry together. 

-we are taking you on your first big trip next month! i'm excited to see your cute toes in the hawaii sand. 

-aunt meggie moo is coming to logan tomorrow! and she's moving here in june! we are lucky duckies! 

-well here's hoping our wednesday is a good one bud. you're pretty awesome. i say about 100 times a day to ryan how much i love you. 

to river

Friday, March 6, 2015

-you are just the cutest little guy. whenever anyone comments about how cute you are i never say, "thank you!" i just say, "he really is huh??" 

-your fake cry is awesome.

-your pissed off dinosaur screaming cry is awesome too.

-i hate your sad cry. :(

-i officially think you look the most like your uncle clay! which i LOVE! i'm obsessed with my brothers so i'm so glad you look like one of them!

-your blessing day was a few days ago and it was beautiful. your dad gave you the sweetest blessing. one thing he said was how much love you have around you and how important family is! ryan and i weren't planning on baring our testimonies but we both did. we both cried. when i was crying during your blessing kase snuck over to sit on my lap and comfort me. it was so sweet! we then went to the clubhouse by our condo to have food with family and play basketball and chat. it was so great! after everyone left to head home i had the most intense pain of missing tony. i was crying on the couch with my head in my hands telling your dad how great the day was but i hate that tony will never be at another family get together. i was saying how much i missed him and his laugh and then i looked up at you and you were smiling the biggest smile and you left out a little chuckle. haha. i think you were laughing at my ugly cry face but i also think the lord knew i needed a little smile and laugh from you. 

-i had my first wedding last week and i left you for 8 hours. it was really hard, but i'm so grateful that i don't have to leave you every day and that i'm lucky enough to have a job that doesn't require me to leave you more than a few hours a week. full time working moms are so amazing. 

-you fight sleep like a toddler.  you scream and cry and kick and it takes about 20 minutes of that before you finally fall asleep. sometimes it drives me crazy but most of the time it makes me laugh. you are a stubborn little dude and i love that. 

-i've had a very angry tony week.  it is 100% ok for me to be angry (even though so many people have told me to stay positive ummm yaaaaa right.)  i'm trying so hard to sort through everything and all my feelings and it's so so hard.  i'm trying to be a nice and giving person through my grieving and mourning and it's been tricky. i'll get there. 

-auntie sagan is coming up in a couple weeks and i'm so excited!! 

-i'm excited to give you a brother or a sister in the future. ryan and i are kind of worried about a name if it's a brother because river is kind of the coolest name ever and we don't want to name your brother something super boring. haha! 

-i think you are so special.

-your dad is so cute with you. he is such a good guy. you are SO lucky to have him as a dad. 

-i love you riv!