grainy city.

Ryan took this picture of us the night before he left for Brazil.  It's the most grainy, poorly lit photo of us ever, but it's one of my favorites. My favorite place to be is snuggled up laying on Ryan's chest. It's kind of like my happy place. Haha! With him being gone in Brazil for a while (this is the longest we've ever been apart since we've met which seems silly to you all I'm sure.. and even sillier how it feels like it's been FOREVER)  I just love and appreciate our little lives together that much more. The night before he left we had one of those really great summer nights. We went and ate mexican food and then walked around Summerfest. We bought our first toy for baby. A handmade wooden elephant! I'm so drawn to anything elephant for baby. Haha! Then we can home and watched Parks and Recreation and laughed our butts off. I'm really so grateful for my life and the sweet moments in it. It's not perfect.   Sometimes it is really hard. There are some really rough things going on that might never be made whole again. But I've learned that in my life there are always going to be parts of my heart that are broken. Sometimes I handle this well.  I'm strong and positive.. and very hopeful. But sometimes I cry.  I break down. I feel so weak. I feel guilt. Guilt for feeling sad and sorry for myself because oh my gosh so many people have it way worse. I feel guilt because I feel like I'm not doing enough. Guilt is my enemy guys. It's the thing that drags me down the most. I'm trying to prepare myself for the mom guilt that's right around the corner... Hopefully I can keep it under control. Haha! I've learned over the years to snap out of that way of thinking pretty quick. I just have to remind myself to be grateful. Grateful for the pain in life. Grateful for the good. That's what living is right?! Pain and joy. And all I can do is keep loving. Keep caring. Keep trying to not be a crappy person.  I've been told my whole life, "Oh my gosh you care way too much Sami. Stop worrying about everyone else." But I'm never going to stop caring. That's who I am. It's my best quality in fact. So I don't really know where this post is going or how to end it really. I've never been a strong writer and my mind seems always be all over the place. But it feels good to write my random thoughts here. The wonderful thing about this blog/journal is I don't have to be apologetic! I don't give a crap about my grammar errors or if my thoughts are jumbled or if it's too mushy. Because whoever reads this is choosing to. And really...who is actually going to take the time to?  I'm guessing Ryan, my Mom, Sagan, and my sisters every once in a while? Ya.... that sounds about right. Hi guys I love you! 

xo