1 year

you've been here one whole year and you make this world so much better riv boy. 

your smile and light shines so bright! i just can't really put into words how grateful i am for you. i get to be your mom forever. you are my favorite part of life. 

-i love the way you jabber and talk all day long. 

-you point at everything and wave goodbye to daddy every morning.

-you flirt with all the girls. 

-i love the way you study and observe and take your time with your milestones. 

-you are so content and happy doing most anything. 

-you still struggle with sleeping and when you are screaming at 3am i feel like i can't have any more kids and then you smile at me and i want 5 more!

-you love going to church. you love the hymns + the people the most. 

-the older you get the more you look like papa. 

-you love animals

-you can say dog, mom, dad, and ball. your four favorite things!

-you seriously eat as much as i do i swear. you are a pro at solids you eat ANYTHING i can give you and always covet whatever i'm eating. bananas are your favorite. 

-you love mickey mouse clubhouse. and i do too because it SAVES us on road trips.

-you love little babies and we found that out visiting your cousin Norah and you wouldn't leave her alone! it was the sweetest thing. 

-you aren't interested in walking yet. you stand up every now by yourself every now and then and realize what you are doing and quickly sit down. 

-your favorite indoor activity right now is crawling up and down the stairs. 

-your 2nd favorite is crawling all over me, your dad, and bernie. 

-bernie continues to be the most patient dog in history. i will love that dog forever because of how sweet he is with you!

-you love books. but prefer playing with a ball over anything. 

-you hate your carseat. 

-you make us smile and laugh everyday. you've done that since day 1. even on our darkest tony days. 

-i hope you always feel close to your uncle tony. i'm so glad you were able to meet him. but i still cry and get angry that he's not here to watch you grow. 

-you are our light and we love you so much bud. i love being your mom.

-you have 2 little teeth!

-everyone loves you !!

9 months

-you have grown so much these past 3 months! you are crawling, and standing, and walking along the couch.

-we finally decided to sleep train you (well we were kind of forced into one night when you wouldn't stop crying and didn't want to be held) you are sleeping SO MUCH better now. i feel kind of like a human again. 

-you are so much fun. you talk and jabber and play with your tongue. for your 9 month appointment right when the doc walked in you kept trying to talk over us and get his attention. you were moving around and crawling all over him. he said, "i haven't had a kid this happy and loud in a while." 

-you're tall and skinny. i was looking at ryan yesterday and how much he towers over me. i can't even believe you'll be bigger than me one day. 

-you give smiles to everyone. you love going to church and singing the hymns with everyone. you like looking behind to see who you can smile at during church too. 

-when i drop you off at your nanny ashley's house you don't even look back when i leave. you love it there. it makes working easier. 

-you still let anyone hold you and don't really prefer me over your dad or visa versa. you're a pretty chill dude. 

-you'll finally sit still while i read books to you, (as long as i read fast) 

-you're favorite book is the owl one. 

-this is my favorite stage so far. i called ryan on my way home from work the other day and i asked what you guys had been up to. he said, "i've literally been wrestling with the river the whole time. he keeps coming and climbing on me." i could tell how happy he was in his voice. 

-i can't believe that your 9 months old and that it's been 9 months since Tony. it hurts. i miss him so much and cry everyday. 

-people still say you look like kase the most. 

-you still won't really snuggle with me. you'll give me a quick hug after your nap and i always squeeze you so tight! 

-we love you riv! you are so great! 

happy st patty's day! i mean happy half birthday!

you: are our sunshine. smile all the time. laugh all the time. smile and laugh most at bernie. love the outdoors. love rolling from you back to your belly. love solids. you grab at everything! especially my tony necklace. smile at grandmas painting of jesus. you still hate napping. had your first camping experience. you love being around people. you love going to your nanny's house twice a week. you're still working on being able to sit up. all you wanna do is stand it seems! you love swimming! yay!

me: your laugh is my favorite sound. gets me every time! find it's best for us to keep busy all day everyday so we go on a lot of adventures together. dread nap time. i'm still figuring out how to grieve about uncle tony while trying to live + work + be a mom to you.  it's really difficult to be happy when you're sad. but man you're smile makes it easier! surrounding myself with compassionate and loving people who "get it" and still cry with me about tony. best thing i've done for myself this year.  (shout out to marie!) still loving my job & that it lets me be home with you 90% of the time! feeling i've aged 10 years since tony's died. trying to soak up the quiet, simple, and "boring" moments that comes with being a mother of 1. loving you more everyday and i mean that!

ohh i have so many faves of you but this is my current favorite picture. you are just so joyous! ahhhh i love you!

to river

(images by Brooke Schultz Photography)

-you're five months old now! the past couple weeks you have grown SO much! your cheeks are getting bigger and i squeeze and kiss them about 100 times a day. 

-i think it's going to be a while before you learn to sit up on your own. when i read to you, you have to be standing. when we play with toys, you arch your back until i let you stand. when i feed you in the bumbo you arch your back or lean way forward. haha! you hate sitting! your favorite thing is to stand up and bounce and move your legs and make your little happy noises. i love it. 

-you love bernie. you laughed when he licked your face today and you are starting to reach for him when he sits by you. will bernie be your first word?

-you aggressively put everything in your mouth.

-i'm so grateful for the good, patient, and compassionate people in our lives.  

-you loved being in sv for mothers day. you laughed and smiled the whole weekend, met papas pigs and tried red baron ice cream for the first time. 

-you loved seeing your grandma and grandpa shurtleff, uncle jason and aunt jessie on saturday too. you light up when jessie's around. i think you guys have a special connection. she was there for your birth and all!

-you are my sunshine. you are such a light in this world. there's so much pain and trial in this world and you give me faith and hope for me and the people around us. 

-we are printing some new pictures and getting some new decorations for the house! i'm trying to figure out where to put tony's drawing aunt marie had made for us. 

-i'm a very open person bud, and that makes me an easy target (as papa would say) i'm trying to be more careful who i open up to about tony. some people just don't get it. and never will. 

-your dad's the best. he loves us so much. we've gotten so much closer than ever since you've been born. and boy do you love him!

-it's been so rainy this month which i love. it reminds me of when me and your dad started dating 6 years ago. it was the rainiest may. he came up to logan every weekend and we drove around, watched movies, and just talked.

-you're so special riv & so loved! 

to river

 -you are three months old! and it actually hasn't gone by fast. kind of slow actually. haha!

-you are soooo fun right now. you smile so much and you giggle when i kiss your neck. you are so fun that i'm actually starting to think i can maybe handle having more than one child! haha 

-you watch mickey mouse clubhouse on my lap while i edit. i know....you are kind of young for screen time, but when you are a working mom you do what you gotta do. haha!

-you like to be held facing out so you can check everything out. 

-you stopped sleeping in your carseat. now you would rather the cover up so you can look at the world!  

-you love looking at the mirror and talking and smiling at your reflection. 

-you hate napping, but you sleep through the night so i can't complain. 

-my favorite thing ever is coming to get you from your crib in the morning and you are so happy! you talk to me and smile so big and kick your legs. it's so cute! you are so excited and happy in the morning. 

-most people comment on how skinny & long you are. so you most definitely got your body from your dada. ;)  lucky for you even though i think you would have made an adorable short and curvy boy. hahaha

-we have had some really hard days these past couple weeks. same old story i know... we are still just trying to figure out how to find our "new normal" as nana would say with tony gone. and i'm just still so traumatized with how he was taken and i've been having lots of nightmares at night. it's pretty crappy!

-i am so grateful for the people that make it possible for me to get out of bed everyday. (you are one of them!) i feel the push from some people like, "gosh, aren't you over this yet?" I've even had a couple people say "you just don't seem like yourself!" which makes me laugh actually.  i'm so grateful for the people in my life who have been so patient with me. because i know i have not been easy to be around. i don't know when i'll get it figured out, but we will get there. there are so many people who have been through far worse. i can do this!! 

-tony is so loved. there are so many people who are still crying with us. 

-our aunt leann on dads side wrote us the sweetest card about tony saying how sorry she was and how wonderful of a person he seemed to be. she never met him but she is crying with us! she is one of the many. it means so much to me.

-your grandma debbie's surprise birthday party was sunday and it was so fun to see her so happy surrounded by all the people she loves. she deserves everything good. you are lucky to have her.

-your cousin aspen sure loves you. she kept asking to hold you all weekend and got a little teary when we wouldn't let her hold you for the shurtleff family picture. haha! she's so sweet.

-your aunt mary and aunt ashley nackos finally got to meet you on saturday! it felt SO GOOD to be around them. they gave me a bracelet with tony's name on it and it felt so good to hug them and cry together. 

-we are taking you on your first big trip next month! i'm excited to see your cute toes in the hawaii sand. 

-aunt meggie moo is coming to logan tomorrow! and she's moving here in june! we are lucky duckies! 

-well here's hoping our wednesday is a good one bud. you're pretty awesome. i say about 100 times a day to ryan how much i love you. 

to river

-you are just the cutest little guy. whenever anyone comments about how cute you are i never say, "thank you!" i just say, "he really is huh??" 

-your fake cry is awesome.

-your pissed off dinosaur screaming cry is awesome too.

-i hate your sad cry. :(

-i officially think you look the most like your uncle clay! which i LOVE! i'm obsessed with my brothers so i'm so glad you look like one of them!

-your blessing day was a few days ago and it was beautiful. your dad gave you the sweetest blessing. one thing he said was how much love you have around you and how important family is! ryan and i weren't planning on baring our testimonies but we both did. we both cried. when i was crying during your blessing kase snuck over to sit on my lap and comfort me. it was so sweet! we then went to the clubhouse by our condo to have food with family and play basketball and chat. it was so great! after everyone left to head home i had the most intense pain of missing tony. i was crying on the couch with my head in my hands telling your dad how great the day was but i hate that tony will never be at another family get together. i was saying how much i missed him and his laugh and then i looked up at you and you were smiling the biggest smile and you left out a little chuckle. haha. i think you were laughing at my ugly cry face but i also think the lord knew i needed a little smile and laugh from you. 

-i had my first wedding last week and i left you for 8 hours. it was really hard, but i'm so grateful that i don't have to leave you every day and that i'm lucky enough to have a job that doesn't require me to leave you more than a few hours a week. full time working moms are so amazing. 

-you fight sleep like a toddler.  you scream and cry and kick and it takes about 20 minutes of that before you finally fall asleep. sometimes it drives me crazy but most of the time it makes me laugh. you are a stubborn little dude and i love that. 

-i've had a very angry tony week.  it is 100% ok for me to be angry (even though so many people have told me to stay positive ummm yaaaaa right.)  i'm trying so hard to sort through everything and all my feelings and it's so so hard.  i'm trying to be a nice and giving person through my grieving and mourning and it's been tricky. i'll get there. 

-auntie sagan is coming up in a couple weeks and i'm so excited!! 

-i'm excited to give you a brother or a sister in the future. ryan and i are kind of worried about a name if it's a brother because river is kind of the coolest name ever and we don't want to name your brother something super boring. haha! 

-i think you are so special.

-your dad is so cute with you. he is such a good guy. you are SO lucky to have him as a dad. 

-i love you riv!