15 weeks with baby #2

hey you guys! i hope you all had the best weekend. we hiked to white pine on saturday. our favorite hike! i realized how out of shape i really am. but we did it! we also took bernie swimming at this fishing hole and i was the weirdo in the swimsuit getting in with him. hahah. but look at that little bump!!! river has never been as cute as he is now. he's never had more attitude either. hahah. I LOVE HIM! ryan and i both said numerous times this weekend.. "dang, he's cute." here's a little baby update. i skipped last week because there weren't any changes from week 13 to 14! but a couple this week so here we go! 

how big is baby: lemon sized! 

weight gain: up 1 pound. 

sleep: pretty great actually! i mean of course i would love to sleep in past the 6:30am wake up call river gives us, but i can't complain. 

missing: being able to work out SUPER HARD! i always say this don't i? hahah.  i can still work out pretty well! i just get super winded, and i haven't been able to run as much this pregnancy because it's uncomfortable running with the stroller! but i have been lifting a lot more and doing sprints at the gym. 

craving: everything. give me all the food. i'm always hungry. always eating. just please no sugar because it makes me sick k?

feeling: pretty great pregnancy wise. and we just won't get into other areas. hahah. 

gender: i think boy most of the time. but we heard baby's heartbeat a few days ago and i thought, "there she is!" just like at the ultra sound too! so who knows! 

best moment of the week:  river being river. and hearing that heartbeat! OH and I FELT THE BABY! If i lay on my stomach in a certain position I can feel it move a tiny bit! 

looking forward to: sagan's wedding in a few days! YAY!!!!!! 

xxooxxoxoxo 

13 weeks with baby number 2!

It's only been a week since my last post!? K what? That feels like 4 years ago. Because FAIR WEEK! We were partying all week, but also had some crappy things going on too. Because LIFE. So it felt a little long  in the BEST and worst way. I'm tired. But yay for good things to get us through right?! Like laughing with people we love, and hugs.. oh and fair food. HASHTAG FUNNEL CAKES WITH CARMEL. Do you like my bumpdate outfit? hehe. We tie-dyed shirts on Saturday and they turned out so cute! And I probably look tired and a tiny bit out of it, and that's a pretty accurate representation of this moment. I bought some hair extensions. The mermaid length. So I'm feeling pretty fly. I really love my family. And I still am amazed every day with how kind and wonderful Ryan is. He is my hero. And River. Oh that Riv boy. He is hilarious right now. Jabbering and wrestling with a rock, stick, or ball in his hand. He was just as happy as he could be with his cousins all week. Little sweetie! Now for this pregnancy update! 

how big is baby: as big as a peach!! 

weight gain: nothing yet. which is surprising because i ate horrible all week. which is silly of me because it makes me so sick when i eat badly! sugar kills me. 

sleep:  just up once a night to go pee. i just wish i could turn my mind off and go right back to sleep quicker. that's the real struggle. 

missing: working out super hard! and i was so sad i couldn't do spartan with my older siblings yesterday! but of course i'd rather be pregnant. but man.. that FOMO struggle was in full force yesterday. i'm so proud of them for finishing! 

craving: SMOOTHIES! all day every day please! "pom pom soup" (tomato juice and macaroni) and salt and vinegar chips

feeling: when it comes to pregnancy..i'm feeling great. i have super tired and nauseous moments, but it's super manageable. 

gender: i've been saying she for a while, but today i called it a little dude a few times! i just want to know please! 

best moment of the week: seeing river play with his cousins.   

looking forward to: my appt next week! i love hearing that heartbeat. 

xxooxxoxoxo 

12 weeks with baby #2!

THANK YOU SO MUCH! To all of you for your support and love after our announcement yesterday. I get to do this again?! I feel so grateful. I can't believe it! Being pregnant with River was the most beautiful time in my life. I'm so grateful for that time.. because after he was born were the darkest days of my life.  Life is different now than it was then. So very different. So much harder. And painful. But I'm starting to feel that magic again. The beauty and privilege of growing a life and having a piece of heaven with you always. And I see that magic in River's eyes too. I am grateful. So grateful to be able to be a mom. I was able to see Tony every week of my pregnancy with River. I expanded before his eyes and he was able to meet River brand new straight from heaven and I am so grateful for that time we had together and those memories that will keep me going. On the other hand, I'm feeling some anxiety and heartache because I'm reminded of how beautiful everything was, but how incredibly dark everything was after Tony died and Riv was just days old. I'm ok with feeling both. I need to feel both. The anxiety and depression has had a hold on me the past 8-9 weeks and I'm happy to have dug myself out of it once again and I am just so grateful for the light and love I'm feeling right now. Life is such a fight for happiness. And it's so worth it. Sometimes it doesn't seem fair... because it's not fair. While we all have so many demons to fight.. I'm so grateful for good. Every good thing matters. I am 100% all about celebrating every tiny victory in life. I am so grateful for this beautiful spirit that I have the honor of raising. I know the baby is with Tony now and I love that. Now here it goes! My first pregnancy update for this little one! Yay!!!!!!!! 

how big is baby: as big as a large plum!

weight gain: down a couple pounds! (I was really sick those first few weeks)

sleep: oh my gosh! up until a few days ago... sleep has been so bad! so so so terrible! because of our cute little monster! haha. but he's slept through the night 3 nights in a row now! oh my goodness! so great! i feel like a new woman! i just get up once or twice to pee is all. 

missing: working out super hard! 

craving: drinks! orange juice! and texas roadhouse... those rolls. 

feeling: really good right now. like i said above. it's been a rough summer! i was super sick at first and we struggled with lots of crap....but august is looking up! woo! #fairweek

gender: i was 100% certain river was a boy. knew it from the start. with this one, i have no hunch! when we got our first ultrasound and i looked up i thought, "LOOK AT HER!" but still not certain! i will be happy either way. it would be so fun for riv to have a brother! but a little sissy would be so great! 

best moment of the week: river sleeping in yesterday and today hahah  

looking forward to: sept 28th! i seriously can't wait to see what this baby is! ahhh! and fair week starts tomorrow so that's like the best thing ever!

xxooxxoxoxo 

18 months... a month and a half late!

We love him. We love him. We love him! But..... he is TERRIFYING right now. hahahaha. Exhibit A...up for the day at 3:30am this morning.. Tried for an hour to get him back to sleep... Wasn't having it. Same thing the night before. But it was 4. He's a sassy little dude... that won't sleep. Hasn't had a decent and consistent night's sleep since May. And we are so scared. Hahah. We have tried everything. But some kids... just don't sleep well. But we have high hopes he will get on back track soon... because I'm not sure Ryan and I can handle much more of it. hahaha. (laughing to keep from crying)

Our boy is so smart! (Every parent thinks their child is a genius right? That's just how it should be) So smart that he wants to do everything.. and he understands a lot of what I'm saying.. but he just can't communicate his (very specific and peculiar) needs. So I feel for him. How frustrating would that be!

His favorite word right now is Bernie. We were at Nana and Papa's last week and he was yelling and scolding Bernie for getting too close to the chickens. Bernie is a little scared of River too. Who knew such a tiny person could have this much power? ;)

He still LOVES to explore. Doesn't love the pool like I do.. Prefers Bear Lake, or the river up the canyon. Where he can really focus and throw rocks in the water. And explore without interruption. :)

In the bath he never splashes. He just lines up all of his toys and places them exactly how he wants and then says "all done!" All ready for me to get him out and clothed.

I shut the bathroom drawer the other day with my curling iron cord hanging out of the bottom and he opened the drawer, stuffed the cord in the basket and made sure everything was in it's place.. and then shut the drawer. WHO ARE YOU? Oh wait.. you are RYAN.

He LOVES animals. We walk to the ducks every morning and he sits and studies them for a good 20 minutes. Always cries when it is time to leave them. And waves goodbye through his tears. All the cats in our neighborhood always approach him and he is so gentle with them. My parent's dog Mushu tolerates River.. which is crazy because she is really scared of all kids. But she trusts Riv. He has always been so gentle and respectful to her. Makes me proud.

He loves other kids. He loves flirting with dark haired women. (not kidding) He loves bacon and Nana's pancakes. And I think Kase is his favorite person right now.

Cries when I leave the room and reaches for me when he's sad. Total and complete Mama's boy. More of a possessive love. hahah. He gets super jealous when I hold any other child! Which is adorable in it's own way.

We've spent a lot of the summer being sick. Passing it back and forth. Hoping August is our healthy and happy month!

I am still trying to figure out how to function in this world with such a tender heart. It hurts. I hurt so much lately. I've been so hurt by people I love these past couple months... And they'll never really understand or care? Accepting that is a process.  I'm so hurt by the world. Hurt that other people are hurting. I'm trying to figure out how to stay soft... but still keep my sanity.

I have never doubted my motherhood skills more than I have these past couple months. I'm not the mother I thought I would be. But I'm learning and trying to accept that I'll never be Vandi Hansen. I'm me, Sami Jo Hansen (yaaaaaaa still haven't changed my last name) full of flaws....so many flaws. But full of love too. :) Lots of it.

WE LOVE YOU RIVER.

Please sleep good tonight k?

xo

15 months

THIS IS MY FAVORITE AGE EVER!

 I can't even handle how much fun River is right now. It helps that he's sleeping through the night and not waking up before 6 anymore. Who knows when the good sleeping streak will end so I'm going to soak up every minute of not feeling like a zombie lady. 

WE LOVE YOU RIVER! 

1 year

you've been here one whole year and you make this world so much better riv boy. 

your smile and light shines so bright! i just can't really put into words how grateful i am for you. i get to be your mom forever. you are my favorite part of life. 

-i love the way you jabber and talk all day long. 

-you point at everything and wave goodbye to daddy every morning.

-you flirt with all the girls. 

-i love the way you study and observe and take your time with your milestones. 

-you are so content and happy doing most anything. 

-you still struggle with sleeping and when you are screaming at 3am i feel like i can't have any more kids and then you smile at me and i want 5 more!

-you love going to church. you love the hymns + the people the most. 

-the older you get the more you look like papa. 

-you love animals

-you can say dog, mom, dad, and ball. your four favorite things!

-you seriously eat as much as i do i swear. you are a pro at solids you eat ANYTHING i can give you and always covet whatever i'm eating. bananas are your favorite. 

-you love mickey mouse clubhouse. and i do too because it SAVES us on road trips.

-you love little babies and we found that out visiting your cousin Norah and you wouldn't leave her alone! it was the sweetest thing. 

-you aren't interested in walking yet. you stand up every now by yourself every now and then and realize what you are doing and quickly sit down. 

-your favorite indoor activity right now is crawling up and down the stairs. 

-your 2nd favorite is crawling all over me, your dad, and bernie. 

-bernie continues to be the most patient dog in history. i will love that dog forever because of how sweet he is with you!

-you love books. but prefer playing with a ball over anything. 

-you hate your carseat. 

-you make us smile and laugh everyday. you've done that since day 1. even on our darkest tony days. 

-i hope you always feel close to your uncle tony. i'm so glad you were able to meet him. but i still cry and get angry that he's not here to watch you grow. 

-you are our light and we love you so much bud. i love being your mom.

-you have 2 little teeth!

-everyone loves you !!

9 months

-you have grown so much these past 3 months! you are crawling, and standing, and walking along the couch.

-we finally decided to sleep train you (well we were kind of forced into one night when you wouldn't stop crying and didn't want to be held) you are sleeping SO MUCH better now. i feel kind of like a human again. 

-you are so much fun. you talk and jabber and play with your tongue. for your 9 month appointment right when the doc walked in you kept trying to talk over us and get his attention. you were moving around and crawling all over him. he said, "i haven't had a kid this happy and loud in a while." 

-you're tall and skinny. i was looking at ryan yesterday and how much he towers over me. i can't even believe you'll be bigger than me one day. 

-you give smiles to everyone. you love going to church and singing the hymns with everyone. you like looking behind to see who you can smile at during church too. 

-when i drop you off at your nanny ashley's house you don't even look back when i leave. you love it there. it makes working easier. 

-you still let anyone hold you and don't really prefer me over your dad or visa versa. you're a pretty chill dude. 

-you'll finally sit still while i read books to you, (as long as i read fast) 

-you're favorite book is the owl one. 

-this is my favorite stage so far. i called ryan on my way home from work the other day and i asked what you guys had been up to. he said, "i've literally been wrestling with the river the whole time. he keeps coming and climbing on me." i could tell how happy he was in his voice. 

-i can't believe that your 9 months old and that it's been 9 months since Tony. it hurts. i miss him so much and cry everyday. 

-people still say you look like kase the most. 

-you still won't really snuggle with me. you'll give me a quick hug after your nap and i always squeeze you so tight! 

-we love you riv! you are so great!