dear river boy

-we went to nana and papa's house for mikey's game (and to get a break from life) last week. we had the best time and you slept so great and were such a happy little baby while we were there. the spirit and strength is so strong at nana and papas. it rubbed off on both of us. you are so lucky to have them as grandparents. i think you know that already because you seem to be happiest when you are around them. papa already has a nickname for you. little greys. (he got it from his favorite place grey's river. we will take you there this summer) 

-kase was finally able to hold you and he was so dang excited about it. he said he's more like an uncle-brother to you rather than a cousin. when we left to come back to logan kase yelled to me, "sami thanks again for letting me hold river!" 

-it was comforting to be home in wyoming but it made me miss tony even more. i took bernie on a walk up to the graveyard while nana babysat you. i wanted to go see tony's gravesite but once we got there i just couldn't bring myself to walk up to it. it's just too hard right now. hopefully i'll be ready by summer and you can visit it with me. 

-my dear friend marie schwab had a picture drawn of tony for our family. nana has it hanging in the front room. when i was nursing you late one night/early morning i was looking at the picture and crying because i was wishing so badly i could hug your uncle. i then started to feel very comforted. i felt like a blanket was being wrapped around me and i knew it was tony. i felt him so strong that night. i'm so grateful you could be there with me for that moment. 

-we did discover something pretty awesome while we were in star valley. you totally look like mark wahlberg which is awesome. 

-the days after being in star valley were rough for all of us. i lost all hope and had no idea what to do. talking on the phone with your grandparents and hearing their advice and feeling their love and strength helped us through those days. nana and papa are so amazing. aunt jodie suggested we all read the talk "because i live, ye shall live also." reading that and getting a blessing of comfort from your dad was so helpful. we had a good day yesterday. which is huge! i was talking with your aunt jodie on the phone and she said that right now we have more bad days than good, and eventually we will have more good than bad. this was my favorite part of the talk she suggested we all read. 

-"I have learned that the bitter, almost unbearable pain can become sweet as you turn to your Father in Heaven and plead for his comfort that comes through his plan: his son, Jesus Christ; and his comforter, who is the Holy Ghost. 

What a glorious blessing this is in our lives. Wouldn't it be tragic if we didn't feel great sorrow when we lost a loved one? How grateful I am to my Father in Heaven that he allows us to love deeply and love eternally." 

-what a blessing the gospel is in our lives. 

-and river. what a blessing you are. you are starting to smile a lot more and it just makes everything bad in the world disappear for me. 

-i txted your aunts and grandmas this picture of you because man is it cute: 

-aunt mandi said that your cousin jj looked at the picture and said, "he reminds me of someone... i know. martin luther king jr.!" 

-i laughed so dang hard when she told me that. it felt so good to laugh. 

-everyone tells me that you look like me. (so i guess that means i look like MLK too! haha) you have your dad's dimple though and i'm hoping you have his eye color! 

-you are starting to get these adorable fat rolls on your legs. aghhhh i can't even handle it. so dang cute. 

-i hope you love your siblings as much as i love mine. i'm counting down the days until we all get together again next month. 

-you always give me a cute smile when i sing to you. 

-so many of my favorite songs have river somewhere in the lyrics. 

-i find myself kissing your cheeks every chance i get.

-your dad is such a stud. we are so lucky to have him! watching you two together is my favorite. he puts you to sleep most nights and you feel so comforted in his arms. 

-the inversion finally left us yesterday. i'm technically not supposed to work out until you are 6 weeks old but i just had to go for a run yesterday. me, you, and bernie all went for a run and then me and you watched bernie play in the snow. it felt SO GOOD. and you loved being outside.

-every day is an adventure with you babe. 

-you are so loved. 

xo